We always look to the future for a sense of hope, a sense of belonging, a sense of making the right choice. People always want to look upon their futures to rectify the mistakes they made in their lives. It seems gracious. It seems as if if they could have lived their lives in a better way they would have. But what about the past? Would they have done things differently if they went back? Or does that dwell upon an existential question? I have always wanted to see my future. Being the sort of logical person that I am, it would be foolish if I was given a choice to go forward and erase the bad parts. But why do I have this unsettling feeling that if I had gone backward I would have mended things in a lot better way?

I'm 26. Not much of a past. Blatantly, uneventful. I live in the present and dream about the future so full of possibilities. Does that make an analogy to the present and the future? If so, what would I want to change? The past or the future? The past would mean me wanting to change the way I become. The future would mean me wanting to change the way I am. Both do not do justice to who I want to be. And the most annoying part is that it is in the future that I want changes. Except for a few permanent attributes.

I do want to be in technology. Something that has always fascinated and challenged me. And I do want to be in education. Something that I always thought I was good at. I guess it was always a point of me figuring out what essentially I wanted to be. Man, I hope this sustains me in the next few years that come. If I look back and cringe, it means I have accepted society's norms.

Your dreams against your determination

Everybody has dreams. Its like a movie you project with yourself as the protagonist. Everything is possible, every challenge will be met and every time, it ends a happy ending. I believe that dreams can show you who or what you are. But can it show you what can become? What provokes you to push beyond that barrier to think you can or are living your dreams? Can everyone do it? Or are people fooling themselves?

Every single day from the age of 15, I have woken with a sense of incompleteness. As if I have a lot more to do or see. I think the word I am looking for is experience. But this sense has become so much more pronounced. And the worst part is, somehow, I feel my time is up. Or at least, it is going to be. I was never an emotional person. My entire childhood was spent with me in my own world just thinking about the things around me. I remember the first watch that I bought with my own money. I fantasized about it for 2 weeks. I had the money thanks to a couple of quizzes I had won but I couldn't buy without the permission of my mom. So once I had it, I went to the store and bought it. It was exhilarating up until the moment and I walked out of the store with my new watch. Then all that excitement just vanished. I had it. I still remember asking myself, "Then what?". Every time I have wanted something it has been the same story. The desire. Getting it. And then thinking about what comes next. I think it has something to do with the fact that I don't think I deserve it. As I grew older, my wants became bigger and even though, some of them were not realised, I still somehow found a reason to believe that it was not entirely by my own credit. That feeling sits at the lower part of my stomach and has pretty much translated to my sense of incompleteness.

Obviously, my first plan to counter this was to build something from scratch. And I have not succeeded. Till now. And neither will, I suppose. Is this what's supposed to drive you? 

And I start!!!....

That's it. I have decided. Not an earth shattering or life altering decision of any use to any other human being on this planet, but I have decided. I decided to start writing my blog. For me. This is part of the new "Me' I conjured up 5 minutes back in bed while I was contemplating why my life just felt well, useless. I do not know if writing a blog will change that assumption but what the heck, why not try. I think of myself as a guy with average intelligence who is used to come up with arbitrary theories now and again. Therefore, my assumption is if I put it up at a forum where nobody can see (without me telling anybody), somewhere down the line, I can read back and laugh about it. Kind of like an open diary. So, if in this blog I'm referring to somebody in third person, it is to myself.

Now, I have a read a couple of blogs and the one thing I have hated about them is how people, intentionally or not, try to use slightly more complicated language to write about themselves and their lives. For one, I do not consider a person who uses long words as smart. I'll show you the difference.

Blogger : It was just but yesterday, that I felt an fatuous inclination to enkindle an inscrutable desire to deliberate the recherche attributes of the female cervix. I cogitated that everything about it was just elysian. From its graceful sensuous line to its balmy texture to the just how positively delectable it looks. Arrgh! Do I have the tendencies of a vampire?

Translation : Yesterday, I was simply feeling horny and couldn't stop thinking about a woman's neck. Man, everything about it is so good. From the gentle curve, to how soft it is to how delicious it looks. AAAH!! Do I have the tendencies of a vampire?

Comment #1 : (by a girl with equivalent vocabulary) Ha ha... ha ha (in a dignified manner), maybe you do, that is indeed why I meet you only after your morning repast. Ha ha (again in dignified manner)

Comment #2 : (by a guy who could barely understand it) :) .. yeah man, I always knew you were charming with the ladies. (okay, maybe a guy who's secretly gay or maybe he just wants an equivalent vocabulary in the first place)

Comment #3 : (by Savastin - the local idiot who can't admit it) PROFOOOUNND MAAAN!!! LOVE IT!!!

It took me 15 minutes and Wordweb to come up with this. Maybe a person with an equivalent vocabulary could have done it faster but quite frankly, it just puts me off. Guys like Savastin, put me off even more and it hurts to think that there are a lot of Savastins in this world. I just do not see the point of it all. But then again that is a theory that I intend to test. Since I just started blogging and I do have to prepare for my GMAT, I have an interesting proposal in order to prove 3 things (everybody states 3 points when proving something really don't know why, another theory for another day I guess, sigh, so little time...)
1. Do these people actually do this unintentionally? Do they lose the capability to write normal english once they obtain a superior vocabulary?
2. If done intentionally, what do they get out of it? Do they actually feel smarter?
3. Would I get a girl if I talked like this? (ok, maybe not with the above paragraph but you get what I mean)

This proposal involves a lot of dedication from my part hence I'm taking anticipatory bail and not fixing a deadline. What I shall do is, I shall learn the word lists and practice the verbal section in my trusted GMAT books and see if my style of writing changes. I shall name these blog articles, "Doh!" in honour of a great man who has the ability to describe the most complex of theories with simplistic ease. And vocabulary.

And so, I start... 

Hello!

Since this is the first time I am posting, its just a hello. Thats all. Thank you. And, I hope I have something more meaningful to write on this space in the future.